A Brief Guide to the American Political Landscape
The Republican Party: Do what your you father wants you to do or we will bomb you back into the early Pleistocene era. That is of course unless you have substantial oil reserves on your property. In this contigency scnario do wait for Daddy's infantry to arrive at precisely 1800 hours and engage the tyrannical regime that holds you and your oil hostage. That's our job. Incidentally, don't trust your mother. Or else.
The Democratic Party: Don't do anything your mother doesn't want you to do. Oh, and wait until she gets back from the Committee Meeting before you do anything whatsoever. Take your pills.
The Libertarian Party: Do whatever you bloody well please but don't touch my stuff. Free love is good, though, especially if it's with me. So is free dope. Want some? Have I shown you my etchings? How about my other Porche? Who is John Galt? Don't run! If you do I'll...ask you not to run away again? Damn.
The Green Party: I can't believe we did that. Again. Don't do anything Ralph Nader wants you to do. They're pretty reliable. Did we mention not do anything Ralph Nader wants you to do? No, we actually mean it this time. Trust us on this one. You can trust leafy things, though. They're reliably leafy.
The Feminist Party* (rad-fem/fem-marxist/gender fem edition): Do what the Sisterhood strongly implies you ought to do. It's in your best interest. Oh, and do it with a dildo. Don't trust your father. He's a rapist. If you're a man, don't trust yourself. You're a rapist. Do trust the Sisterhood. Or else.
The Feminist Party* (equity fem dance re-mix): Don't do anything whatsoever that the Sisterhood might possibly approve of, even if it is in your best interest. Hang out with libertarian men. Do them. They need the action pretty bad. They might get wierder. Also, they're politically quite maleable if you have sex with them.
The Keg Party: Please don't do on the carpet. Again. Ugh. Oh, well, can't be helped now. Hey, you two! Do it in somebody else's room. Anyone wanna play beer-pong?
Have I missed anything?
-G
*****
*Strictly speaking, neither of these movements is what you'd call a "party" in the proper sense of the term. They serve cheap wine, bad beer & the music is kinda dreary. There's no beat, really, nothing you can dance to. The catfights make for good sport. Buy popcorn & get ringside seats if you want to make the best of it.
The Suffragettes really were onto something good back in the beginning. Then the Lady Kluckers, and possibly the Sith, invested the movement sometime in the late 19th century. That's never good.
The Republican Party: Do what your you father wants you to do or we will bomb you back into the early Pleistocene era. That is of course unless you have substantial oil reserves on your property. In this contigency scnario do wait for Daddy's infantry to arrive at precisely 1800 hours and engage the tyrannical regime that holds you and your oil hostage. That's our job. Incidentally, don't trust your mother. Or else.
The Democratic Party: Don't do anything your mother doesn't want you to do. Oh, and wait until she gets back from the Committee Meeting before you do anything whatsoever. Take your pills.
The Libertarian Party: Do whatever you bloody well please but don't touch my stuff. Free love is good, though, especially if it's with me. So is free dope. Want some? Have I shown you my etchings? How about my other Porche? Who is John Galt? Don't run! If you do I'll...ask you not to run away again? Damn.
The Green Party: I can't believe we did that. Again. Don't do anything Ralph Nader wants you to do. They're pretty reliable. Did we mention not do anything Ralph Nader wants you to do? No, we actually mean it this time. Trust us on this one. You can trust leafy things, though. They're reliably leafy.
The Feminist Party* (rad-fem/fem-marxist/gender fem edition): Do what the Sisterhood strongly implies you ought to do. It's in your best interest. Oh, and do it with a dildo. Don't trust your father. He's a rapist. If you're a man, don't trust yourself. You're a rapist. Do trust the Sisterhood. Or else.
The Feminist Party* (equity fem dance re-mix): Don't do anything whatsoever that the Sisterhood might possibly approve of, even if it is in your best interest. Hang out with libertarian men. Do them. They need the action pretty bad. They might get wierder. Also, they're politically quite maleable if you have sex with them.
The Keg Party: Please don't do on the carpet. Again. Ugh. Oh, well, can't be helped now. Hey, you two! Do it in somebody else's room. Anyone wanna play beer-pong?
Have I missed anything?
-G
*****
*Strictly speaking, neither of these movements is what you'd call a "party" in the proper sense of the term. They serve cheap wine, bad beer & the music is kinda dreary. There's no beat, really, nothing you can dance to. The catfights make for good sport. Buy popcorn & get ringside seats if you want to make the best of it.
The Suffragettes really were onto something good back in the beginning. Then the Lady Kluckers, and possibly the Sith, invested the movement sometime in the late 19th century. That's never good.
posted by Graham Strouse at 8:58 AM
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